Sex Advice: How Times Haven't Changed.

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Posted by: sexoracle, on 4/8/2010 , in category "Sex and Culture"
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Abstract: Sex advice given to women has not changed over the decades. It has only been coated in words of faux-sexual liberation.

This was going to be an article on how sexual advice given to women has changed throughout history. But while researching this topic, Sex Oracle realised that it (at least from mainstream sources) has not changed at all. Basically, women are told to use tits before brains.

1960

Found on Twitter

Translation: achieve the impossible by looking like a pin-up girl at all times without spending any time on this feat at all. Men are so horrified by the sight of beauty products – you don't naturally have ringlets and dewy skin??! – that they will suffer cardiac arrest if you apply them in their waking presence. So get out of that comfy warm bed and continue your beauty regime, girls, and try to resume sleep with spiky plastic rollers on your cranium. If your husband is horny, open those legs even if you don't feel like it: marital rape is okay. But not from you. Agree humbly to sexual 'congress' and fake it in case your looks are inadequate. If he wants some kinky sexytime, fulfil his every fetish. He will pass out immediately after coming anyway, so you will still have time to 'put on your face'. Then deprive yourself of 15 minutes of sleep in the morning so he can wake up to a nice hot cuppa as a reward for spectacularly failing to satisfy you the evening before.

Our thoughts: Marital rape has only actually recently become a crime. And we will never think of the bicameral legislature of the federal government of the USA in the same way again. The rest can be laughed off as outdated sexism, until you take a look at modern offerings:

2010

This is a rather extreme example, but seems to be all too common: modern sexism. Cosmopolitan magazine, the highly sexualized periodical that's aimed at women but usually ends up in the hands of middle school girls, published “50 ways to become a legendary flirt” in their March edition.

Choice tips include:

“9. Take a sip of your mocha latte, stare into the eyes of the barista who made it, and moan "Oh, yeah...that is soooo good." Next time, watch your drink appear before everyone else's.”

Translation: objectify yourself, girls. Allow him to cut to the chase. Save him the time of getting to know you as a person and show him your orgasm face outright. The base for a quality relationship is laid.

Our thoughts: this is only remotely logical if the barista is indeed a straight single male, of an appropriate age, and not a spotty teenager... oh wait... this tip would seduce ONLY a spotty teenager. Everyone else would “have other customers to serve” and you would be the object of staff ridicule.

“22. Hit up a sports bar and ask the guy sitting beside you what his favorite team is so you'll "know who to root for."”

Translation: having your own opinion is a total turn-off; you should not only shape your interests around the random guy sitting beside you but TELL him that you intend to do so.

Our thoughts: Any guy that buys you a free drink after this little manoeuvre will have an IQ he can count with his fingers, and a severe male superiority complex more suited to Mad Men. It might be pleasant for him to cheer with bar-mates for the same team, but you will probably creep him out with this one.

And the cherry on the top: “29. Tell your big sis she's a total MILF.”

Translation: imply to your older sister that she is a mother you wish to copulate with, in order to make her more agreeable your whims.

Our thoughts: If your sister is childless, hinting that she appears to be the bearer of offspring is a sure-fire way to make her feel unattractive. Childless or not, making this Fritzl-esque comment will result in awkward avoidance at family gatherings.

(Thanks to Jezebel.com for the hilarious review, and to its readers for their side-splitting comments, on this piece of wisdom).

Here are some interesting thoughts on the 50 Ways: